I was standing on the red rocks of Sedona, around me a powerful sisterhood of healers, each one a Goddess of lightness in her own right.
I felt the heartbeat of Mama Earth as we beat our drums together. Hypnotically, healing, dancing with our ancestors.
I felt the energy of Mama Bear, my protector, rise up inside of me.
I felt my clients and , naming each one, sent an intention for their highest good on the vibration of my drum.
I felt the scared and shamed part of me begging, “I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.”
She had been making herself known since I had arrived at this magic place. Her voice in my head, “I want to go hide.”
As I sat on the red rocks, as I drummed in the energy vortex, as I said my prayers, as I sang with my side-by sisters, I heard her voice. And I was curious.
I had anticipated being here with so much excitement and joy. What was about to be revealed to me?
In the meeting room that morning we had been asked to look within, into our dark places, into our shadows. I had connected with this part of myself that was reluctant and wanted to go home. I recognized shame.
I am ashamed for choices I have made that were out of integrity. Places where I slipped by, where I hadn’t been clear, where I used others to meet my needs. . Places where I used others… whew… there is so much shame there.
In the drumming I felt that shame deep in my soul. Holding back my power. I continued to be curious. What gifts were there in exploring my shame?
The next day, hiking the rocks again, I experienced the shame once again.
This time she said to me, “I am not just your shame. I am the shame of generations of women. Women whose only power was in their sexuality. Their ability to hold a man for protection and for substance. I am the shame that has been placed upon modern women, judged for their bodies, told to cover up their cleavage, wear suits that straightened their curves in order to compete in the work place. The shame of women who secretly used their sexuality to attract what they want, because to be open to it risks being ostracized from the tribe.”
“Let’s explore that,” said my Goddess Friend, Lindsay Miller, an amazing photographer. “When I start your photoshoot, will you start in shame?”
“Yes, yes,” I agreed . It was an opportunity to experience the healing of Lindsay’s camera lens in a profound way.
And so, in my purple, jeweled Goddess gown, I hid in the rocks, I pushed against their hardness, I screamed at being in a cave that held so much pain. I got angry.
I rose up, climbed the rocks, stood tall and declared: “I am done with being ashamed that I was born this way, with girl parts. I am done with being told I’m not equal to a man. I am done with holding myself small so others won’t be intimidated by my power. I am done with damping down my magic so that I will accepted. I am fucking done.”
It is time, my sister. It is our time. To be, fully and freely divinely, sensually, powerfully all of who we are.
It is time to change the world.